Saturday, August 24, 2013

Bible mock review

Since I've noticed so many "Christians" praising the Bible yet condemning Christian entertainment (fyi, it's not, at its core, meant exclusively for Christians), I've decided on a thought-provoking thought: what if a Christian who follows today's "fluff faith" Christianity were to read the Bible, cover-to-cover, and actually write an amazon review in the same way they review the entertainment? I imagine it would be something like this... oh, and there will be little subtleties to look for, as well.

Okay, there's something seriously wrong here! I was raised up in the church and this "Bible" is NOT what I've always heard the preachers say it is! At first, in the first two chapters, everything's easy-peasy, nice and cheery. After that, literally all Hell breaks loose! I mean, come on, why did humanity have to be viewed in such a bad light? I thought Hollywood was getting worse and worse with all the senseless violence, blood, and gore, not to mention the heapings of language, blasphemy, sex, etc., but even a cursory glance anywhere from Genesis 3 showed horrifying stuff that doesn't make us humans look good! I've believed we were good people and that God loves us, but there were times that God actually commands HIS PEOPLE (how racist is that!?) to kill others! What kind of miserable book is this? Okay, yeah, there are miracles here and there, but come on, now! These defy even evolution, which some pastors I've heard agree is the real deal, and they're legit leaders!
Also, I thought there were no other gods, so why are there mentions of other gods in the Bible? Who in the he- I mean the world, are Mamnon, Dagon, Artemis, and Baal? This was supposed to be about God and His love! Speaking of which, this shows nothing about the love that I keep hearing about, people that DIE for people they love? What kind of screwed-up junk is this?
Just so we're clear, I've been checking out the King James, since I've heard it was the only accurate version, but even that seems to have the most dangerous taboo of them all in my church, that of no swearing! I've witnessed words like... well, like I said, it's taboo. But I've seen them there!
Also, what's the deal with Jesus? I keep hearing he's the Savior of mankind, so why does he bash the religious leaders for following the rules the way they do? Why does he bash the cashing system they used in the temple and got violent? No, not like a drop of blood violent, but flipping tables and freeing animals? Who's this guy think he is? A free capitalist and candidate for the PETA?
What's more, he actually chews out people I never thought mankind's savior would never chew out, besides the religious leaders- HIS OWN DISCIPLES! That doesn't sound like a nice leader to me, sounds like he constantly got up on the wrong side of the bed every morning. Not to mention some of the things he says makes no sense to me, especially in the parables. And, yeah, I've heard he died for everyone's sins, blah, blah, blah, but did the Bible have to be THAT descriptive about the process they used? I thoguht Passion of the Christ was gruesome, but the Bible drove home the imagery a little too well for my taste!
Well, okay, I could have done a cursory glance at any given verse without looking into context, but that's not the point. The point is that it contradicts everything I knew from what the pastors I have trusted have told me!
Not only that, but, aside from Jesus own GRAPHIC death, his disciples also die in gruesome ways, no one seems to live a happy ending except that one dude who lives out his life in exile. IN EXILE! Was no one tolerant of anyone even then? Plus, didn't that Peter dude start the whole Catholic church? Is that where today's hatred of Catholics started? I don't know, it's confusing me too much.
Jesus seemed to support all the wrong people (a tax collector [who apparently, in that culture, stole from their own people and gave to their local enemies, whatever that means], a man that would steal from his own friends, a woman with a serious PMS issue, a woman who was an outcast for ADULTERY, a big-mouthed fisherman, and guys who lived a hardcore partying style that puts college kids today to shame) and seemed like he always missed the right people. And the dead people he came in contact with! If he had done that today, people would've been worried he was a necrophiliac in the process!
There's hardly anything edifying about Jesus, especially since, as he's supposed to be a teacher, he doesn't use those big words that theologians use, doesn't get into systematic theology like I'm used to, and, like I said, his parables make no real sense to me.
And, while I'm still on Jesus here, I've heard some of the most legit leaders in the Church, those who go with the Prosperity Gospel and the Seed Movement,  preach about how good he is. But something's really off. According to what they say, God prospers those who have faith in Him, giving them plenty. If that's so, then why doesn't the Bible describe Jesus as wearing anything like the first century equivalent of, say, Jos. A. Bank, Hostetler, Prada, or even Gucci? Not Nike or Adidas to get away from the bloodthirsty crowds who wanted to off him? He even let a prostitute (!) wipe his feet with her hair after pouring her perfume on his feet, and I get a distinct feeling it wasn't something like Chanel No. 5 here. And if Jesus is prospering, I don't see it. His clothes don't reflect it, he doesn't hang around the higher class, and being crucified DEFINITELY doesn't show he could've given money to save himself. WTH's the deal!?
And speaking of bad things for good people, Job himself gets really horrible things happened to him, even though he follows God's laws to the T! Not to mention his own wife, after everything in his life falls apart, chews him out for still believing in God. I'm starting to wonder about the validity of this tome, with all the bad things that happen to God's children, as well as how they're put as less than good!
And then there's sexual stuff. Just look at Songs of Solomon (or Song of Songs, or whatever it's called), but don't get me into talking about it, that was some really raunchy stuff! But that wasn't all, there were a few other sex scenes that made no sense to be in a holy book like this. It's supposed to be holy! Why's all this stuff in here if it's supposed to be pure!?
This is, by far, the least holiest book I've read, the steamiest raunch, the most graphic deaths, the most insane stuff! And the legit leaders I've trusted all my life support this? WHY!?
My [self-righteous] rating: 0/5

And that, my friends, is the essence of how I'm seeing the followers of all these fluff faiths are becoming if they actually read the Bible on their own without the lens of false pastors who sugarcoat and water everything down.

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